I really think I'm addicted to writing to this thing, although I never actually say what I mean to... end up on a completely different topic but, hey, that's just me.
Actually supposed to be doing an essay on metaphysical poetry at the minute, John Donne's 'A Nocturnal Upon S. Lucie's Day' but to be honest I'm not in the greatest of moods. Feel quite low for some reason and even after listening to my favourite 'happy' music 'Breakfast At Tiffany's' and No Doubt's 'Spiderwebs' which is usually guaranteed to get me jumping around doesn't seem to be working.
I woke up quite early this morning and the grass was really dewy, it was all silver and was stunning and I felt like I should write a poem about it or something. I would, if I was any good at poems. I like them to read but never really been any good at them, apart from the odd silly rhyme but that's as far as my talent goes.
I've always wished I was a good singer, like a brilliant knock your socks off kind of singer... I love music, it's what gets me through the days and I don't go a day without listening to the radio and always have my iPod for those moments of boredom.
I used to write songs with my next door neighbour when I was younger, but I was about 8 years old and although I thought they were brilliant at the time, looking back on them (yes, my mum did keep them in her drawer in a plastic polly pocket) where was I? Oh yes, looking back on them they really weren't anything special.
I think the reason I'm feeling low today is because I just feel like everything is going too slowly. I know my parents and grandparents always tell me to savour these years because they go all too quickly but at the minute I'm so impatient. I want to pass my driving test (my instructor doesn't think I'm ready and I'm probably not but I wish I was), I keep getting very behind with school work, I think I believe that if I ignore it for long enough then it will go away, as I'm sure you know that's not the case at all, it's just all piling up and it's just so stressful. If only I had done it the night I had it.
I also wish that I would be completely over my ex-boyfriend already. I thought I was until the other week when he completely confused me by acting like we were back together, then the next day was really distant towards me. I bought him a football top for some reason, £50 it set me back and I am supposed to be saving every penny for my holiday next year and a car... I saw him this Sunday to give it to him and I just felt very used. Like I'm his little toy for him to play with whenever he's bored. I act like I'm ok, but seriously feel like I'm dying inside sometimes. I am still completely in love with him and it breaks my heart to see him with other girls or for him to act as if I were nothing.
I know these problems probably don't seem like much, I guess I'm just someone who can be hard as nails one minute and then the next minute everything seems to just fall on top of me and I honestly can't cope.
I need something to look forward to.
I'm going to see some family and friends from London (where I used to live) in the half-term but it seems ages away and I'm not really all that excited about it.
Also I'm going to Ibiza on a holiday with the girls after we finish our exams but we haven't planned it properly yet, so not even sure if it will go ahead.
I think the main reason I'm feeling low though is the whole ex-boyfriend thing. It's funny, before I met him I didn't want a relationship, I'm too young to get into a serious relationship, didn't believe I could fall in love and never ever in my life did I think I would hurt this much or be this lost.
Wow, just read that back and I sound so miserable and boring! I'm really not like that all the time.
I usually have a moan about how I feel to my best friend but since she has been going out with a very lovely guy I don't get to see her very much, maybe once every three weeks and we only talk like once a week. I shouldn't complain, I'm so glad she's happy because she has been out with some real jerks, but would be nice to have a cuddle and a chat.
I had the day off work on Saturday, went shopping! Spent more than I can afford too but most were things I needed so I figure I would have spent the money sooner or later.
Anyway, wow, I've written loads, even I'm bored of myself moaning!