Monday, 13 October 2008

Just a little moan.

I really think I'm addicted to writing to this thing, although I never actually say what I mean to... end up on a completely different topic but, hey, that's just me.
Actually supposed to be doing an essay on metaphysical poetry at the minute, John Donne's 'A Nocturnal Upon S. Lucie's Day' but to be honest I'm not in the greatest of moods. Feel quite low for some reason and even after listening to my favourite 'happy' music 'Breakfast At Tiffany's' and No Doubt's 'Spiderwebs' which is usually guaranteed to get me jumping around doesn't seem to be working.
I woke up quite early this morning and the grass was really dewy, it was all silver and was stunning and I felt like I should write a poem about it or something. I would, if I was any good at poems. I like them to read but never really been any good at them, apart from the odd silly rhyme but that's as far as my talent goes.
I've always wished I was a good singer, like a brilliant knock your socks off kind of singer... I love music, it's what gets me through the days and I don't go a day without listening to the radio and always have my iPod for those moments of boredom.
I used to write songs with my next door neighbour when I was younger, but I was about 8 years old and although I thought they were brilliant at the time, looking back on them (yes, my mum did keep them in her drawer in a plastic polly pocket) where was I? Oh yes, looking back on them they really weren't anything special.
I think the reason I'm feeling low today is because I just feel like everything is going too slowly. I know my parents and grandparents always tell me to savour these years because they go all too quickly but at the minute I'm so impatient. I want to pass my driving test (my instructor doesn't think I'm ready and I'm probably not but I wish I was), I keep getting very behind with school work, I think I believe that if I ignore it for long enough then it will go away, as I'm sure you know that's not the case at all, it's just all piling up and it's just so stressful. If only I had done it the night I had it.
I also wish that I would be completely over my ex-boyfriend already. I thought I was until the other week when he completely confused me by acting like we were back together, then the next day was really distant towards me. I bought him a football top for some reason, £50 it set me back and I am supposed to be saving every penny for my holiday next year and a car... I saw him this Sunday to give it to him and I just felt very used. Like I'm his little toy for him to play with whenever he's bored. I act like I'm ok, but seriously feel like I'm dying inside sometimes. I am still completely in love with him and it breaks my heart to see him with other girls or for him to act as if I were nothing.
I know these problems probably don't seem like much, I guess I'm just someone who can be hard as nails one minute and then the next minute everything seems to just fall on top of me and I honestly can't cope.
I need something to look forward to.
I'm going to see some family and friends from London (where I used to live) in the half-term but it seems ages away and I'm not really all that excited about it.
Also I'm going to Ibiza on a holiday with the girls after we finish our exams but we haven't planned it properly yet, so not even sure if it will go ahead.
I think the main reason I'm feeling low though is the whole ex-boyfriend thing. It's funny, before I met him I didn't want a relationship, I'm too young to get into a serious relationship, didn't believe I could fall in love and never ever in my life did I think I would hurt this much or be this lost.
Wow, just read that back and I sound so miserable and boring! I'm really not like that all the time.
I usually have a moan about how I feel to my best friend but since she has been going out with a very lovely guy I don't get to see her very much, maybe once every three weeks and we only talk like once a week. I shouldn't complain, I'm so glad she's happy because she has been out with some real jerks, but would be nice to have a cuddle and a chat.
I had the day off work on Saturday, went shopping! Spent more than I can afford too but most were things I needed so I figure I would have spent the money sooner or later.
Anyway, wow, I've written loads, even I'm bored of myself moaning!

Saturday, 11 October 2008

Random ramblings of a not so sober lassie.

So anyways, quite hyper at the minute listening to Oasis tracks!
I went to Liverpool on Wednesday and Thursday and Oasis were playing there on Weds night and I saw them getting onto their tour coach thing! Certainly made me a wee bit excited.
Also went to Anfield!!!! Woo! And went to see the famous statues of the Beatles and to The Cavern! Was very cool!
I don't really know what to write at the minute. Watched a bit of XFactor tonight and omg how brilliant are all of them (apart from that Daniel bloke who got in purely on sympathy but will possibly improve- we can hope). But yeah, I wish I could sing! Music is my life, I wish that I could have like a soundtrack to my life, like on a film or some TV programmes.
I'm just babbling! Went to see the guy I'm seeing for a bit tonight and drank a wee bit!
By the way, if anyone actually reads this, check out these 2 songs, Oasis- Whatever and Neil Innes- How Sweet To Be An Idiot. Oasis got done for plagiarism because their track is so similar but to be honest they both sound like the Beatles (Love them) so surely they could have both just been inspired by the lovely Beatles?
Nighty night!
Love me...

Thursday, 9 October 2008

An introduction to my very messy life.

Hi, I'm Sammy except that's not actually my real name. I suppose I find it easier to be myself when I'm being someone else.
I'm almost 18 years old and am a girl from the city (London) who moved to a rural part of Wales about 4 years ago.
My first school didn't work out too well, I fell in with a bad crowd, druggies and just in general not a nice bunch of people but after acting up, not turning up and being thrown out I went to a gorgeous little private school where, shock horror , I became head girl. I loved that school so much, I made some really good friends there and towards the end of my last year I met a lovely guy who made me feel so good about myself.
Then I went to college where things have been eventful, the first few months were good, then I didn't like it then went back to liking it.
Anyway, my ex-boyfriend who I was with for a year and a half and then we went on a break where we ended up splitting up but stayed friends and slept together a few times after.
We split up 4 months ago and I was fine, I didn't really think we'd get back together, we were friends and I am seeing someone new I was fine with that until last week.
I met up with my ex-boyfriend, just as friends to go to the cinema and bowling but he was kissing me and hugging like we were back together. I don't know why I didn't ask him then what was going on but it was nice, you know? To be close like that with him again after such a long time.
I went back to his house and we ended up sleeping together but it wasn't some dirty thing I actually felt like it ment something, he was kissing me and holding me.... talking to him that night he was caring and talkative but a few days later it's back to where it was before. Friends but not quite coz he would rather be chatting to someone else than me, won't text me unless I text him and just generally not interested.
Now I have no idea where I stand, I told the guy I'm seeing what happened and he wants me to chose between them.
My state of mind at the moment is a bit fuzzy to say the least.